I've been trying for probably about 5 years now to find "my ministry." I'm kind of one of those people who is a 'little bit good at a lot of things, but not great at anything'. Know what I mean?
I can hold a tune, but am definitely not a soloist and am too hesitant to sing out in front of people so no one can ever hear me anyway.
I can draw/paint okay, but I don't do it often enough to keep up my skills. And I am such a perfectionist when it comes to stuff like that that I often end up not enjoying the task.
I enjoy working with kids, but I don't necessarily have the patience to work with other people's children all the time and have a joyful attitude about it.
I'm okay at hospitality, but don't have much confidence in my skills in that area.
I am NOT a leader. I've figured that much out for sure.
I've mostly determined that I work best 'behind the scenes' in support roles to those who are doing the leadership or are on the stage. Kind of doing what needs to be done out of the spotlight, I guess you could say. Tell me what needs to be done, and if I can in any capacity accomplish it, I'll take care of it. But, I've kind of felt lost doing that. Like I'm not doing enough for my Lord. Like I'm not using the talents He blessed me with. Like I'm not doing as much as others and therefore, am surely not doing God's will for me. But, everything has always seemed to hit a wall. Especially now, when the logistics of having two very young and very energetic boys to care for while simultaneously doing a ministry seem impossible to navigate.
But, today I kind of had a revelation. My e-devotional today from Proverbs 31 Ministries (http://networkedblogs.com/fPWL2) was about feeling blessed because God, through His mercy, has placed you where you are in life right now for a ministry.The author (Marybeth Whalen) wrote about not losing heart and having faith that God, in all His sovereignty, put you where you are during this season because He knew you and those around you needed you to be there. And so, when you feel overwhelmed, remember this is a God-ordained ministry.
This was where the revelation part came to me. I knew that God had put me in this place in this season of my life for multiple reasons. I've known that for a long time. But, here's the revelation:
I found 'my ministry'.
And it's right here. Sitting in front of me. My family is 'my ministry.'
My ministry may not be listed on my church's website and it may not be some volunteering position at the local homeless shelter. I may not be a missionary to some foreign country as I've often dreamed of being. But I am a missionary in my own home.
During this season, for at least while my children are little (or however long God's deemed), this is my ministry. To love and serve my husband unconditionally and to love, minister to, and teach my children.
I no longer feel ashamed because I'm not the person teaching Sunday School or childrens church, not the one singing on the praise team, holding Bible studies in my home, not able to be the faithful volunteer at the local youth club.
I no longer feel like I'm not using my talents to do some "job" that God has "out there" somewhere waiting on me to find it.
You see:
I am one of the lead singers of the Ridgeway Family Praise Team.
I am the ultimate artist of Magnadoodle and Etch-A-Sketch Thomas the Trains and Toodles.
I am a childrens minister day-in and day-out. Can't say I always have a joyful attitude about it, but, when the day is done, it brings me a joy I couldn't find anywhere else.
I am learning and growing my skills in hospitality as opportunities arise.
I'm a helpmate to the leader of the Ridgeway household. I'm not the leader, because I wasn't born to be. And, for that matter, he isn't and shouldn't be the Ultimate Leader.
Someday, I may be at a place in my life where I can once again find a way to use my talents in the church. But in the meantime...
This is my ministry. And it is, by far, the most important one I'll ever have.
By God's mercy.
Friday, March 25, 2011
Wednesday, March 16, 2011
(Not So New) Years Resolutions
I broke my primary New Years Resolution last week. Here we are, not even a full three months into the new year, and I'm having to refocus already. What caused my fall from grace? The GAP. And my need for new blue jeans.
Jim's parents and brother came to visit last week, so we took them to London and, while there, visited Picadilly, where the "GAP" sign could very well havescreamed read "Tori come here and spend $$$." My thought was "I have lost weight--my jeans are all baggy. I look frumpy all the time. I need to feel good about myself, so I need new jeans. I'll consider it a celebratory purchase and a 'looking-my-best-for-Jesus' purchase." And (hallelujah!) I had gone down a size in my jeans (I'm officially back in the 120 lbs as of yesterday--woohoo!).
But the funny thing was, I DID NOT feel better about myself after that purchase. In fact, I felt horrible, because I'd committed to not buying any clothes this year for myself or the boys. And I failed. Miserably. Like I always do whenever I make a commitment.
You know, I've read that psychologists have proven that people are much more likely to fail at maintaining their resolutions if they tell others about them. It's because the actual telling (or typing) somehow gives them a subconscious satisfaction that causes them to feel they already accomplished the resolution, when in fact, they haven't even begun. For that reason, I'd told nobody of my "no new clothes" resolution, not even Jim. But, I think there was another reason I didn't tell Jim about it. The other resolutions, including completely paying off my mountainous student debt from grad school in the next two years, are shared by Jim and me, so he knows about those. But, I think I didn't tell him about the clothing one because I KNEW I'd fail miserably at it. I guess you could call it a self-fulfilled prophecy.
So, anyway, after we got home, I admitted my failure and apologized to Jim. He was the one who created the budget and, for the most part, sticks to it a little easier than I do. Thankfully (but not surprisingly), he handled it with grace. In fact, he said, "well, you can always say that you bought those jeans in Picadilly London." I responded, "at an American-based company, but anyway..." :)
Sorry you wasted several minutes of your precious time reading my incoherent and almost worthless thoughts. The reason I blogged about this is that I am, from henceforth, going to rebel against the many psychologists who say it's unwise to publicly state your New Year's Resolutions. Hold me accountable, friends, by commenting/inquiring periodically either here or on Facebook like many of you do. Here are my 2011 Resolutions--some will be ongoing for a few years:
1.) DO NOT purchase any new clothes in the year 2011 (unless I lose so much weight that a belt will not suffice;).
2.) Read my Devotional Bible daily. (ongoing)
3.) Put my Lord first, then my husband, then my children. In that order, ALL the time. (ongoing)
4.) Respect and pray for my husband the way God intended me to. (ongoing)
5.) Reduce and recycle as much as possible (including cloth diapering, something I've been trying to do at least twice a day with each of the boys when we're at home alone--never would have thought I could handle being so up close and personal with poop before becoming a mom. But, I digress.).
6.) Reduce the grocery budget to $300. It's currently at $350.
7.) Pay off my remaining two graduate student loans (paid off one this past year!). (ongoing)
8.) Give selflessly to others around me and teach my children to do the same. (ongoing)
9.) Get rid of all remaining clutter in my house.
10.) Not let paranoid fear of random works of evil paralyze me from feeling comfortable going on trips with the boys. Place my full trust in God's sovereignty. (ongoing)
11.) Exercise at least three times a week. (ongoing)
12.) Lose 5 more lbs.
13.) Not be disgusted with myself if I don't lose 5 more lbs (my husband loves me the way I am and tells me so frequently--and for that matter, so does my Lord). :) Thank you, Jesus.
Jim's parents and brother came to visit last week, so we took them to London and, while there, visited Picadilly, where the "GAP" sign could very well have
But the funny thing was, I DID NOT feel better about myself after that purchase. In fact, I felt horrible, because I'd committed to not buying any clothes this year for myself or the boys. And I failed. Miserably. Like I always do whenever I make a commitment.
You know, I've read that psychologists have proven that people are much more likely to fail at maintaining their resolutions if they tell others about them. It's because the actual telling (or typing) somehow gives them a subconscious satisfaction that causes them to feel they already accomplished the resolution, when in fact, they haven't even begun. For that reason, I'd told nobody of my "no new clothes" resolution, not even Jim. But, I think there was another reason I didn't tell Jim about it. The other resolutions, including completely paying off my mountainous student debt from grad school in the next two years, are shared by Jim and me, so he knows about those. But, I think I didn't tell him about the clothing one because I KNEW I'd fail miserably at it. I guess you could call it a self-fulfilled prophecy.
So, anyway, after we got home, I admitted my failure and apologized to Jim. He was the one who created the budget and, for the most part, sticks to it a little easier than I do. Thankfully (but not surprisingly), he handled it with grace. In fact, he said, "well, you can always say that you bought those jeans in Picadilly London." I responded, "at an American-based company, but anyway..." :)
Sorry you wasted several minutes of your precious time reading my incoherent and almost worthless thoughts. The reason I blogged about this is that I am, from henceforth, going to rebel against the many psychologists who say it's unwise to publicly state your New Year's Resolutions. Hold me accountable, friends, by commenting/inquiring periodically either here or on Facebook like many of you do. Here are my 2011 Resolutions--some will be ongoing for a few years:
1.) DO NOT purchase any new clothes in the year 2011 (unless I lose so much weight that a belt will not suffice;).
2.) Read my Devotional Bible daily. (ongoing)
3.) Put my Lord first, then my husband, then my children. In that order, ALL the time. (ongoing)
4.) Respect and pray for my husband the way God intended me to. (ongoing)
5.) Reduce and recycle as much as possible (including cloth diapering, something I've been trying to do at least twice a day with each of the boys when we're at home alone--never would have thought I could handle being so up close and personal with poop before becoming a mom. But, I digress.).
6.) Reduce the grocery budget to $300. It's currently at $350.
7.) Pay off my remaining two graduate student loans (paid off one this past year!). (ongoing)
8.) Give selflessly to others around me and teach my children to do the same. (ongoing)
9.) Get rid of all remaining clutter in my house.
10.) Not let paranoid fear of random works of evil paralyze me from feeling comfortable going on trips with the boys. Place my full trust in God's sovereignty. (ongoing)
11.) Exercise at least three times a week. (ongoing)
12.) Lose 5 more lbs.
13.) Not be disgusted with myself if I don't lose 5 more lbs (my husband loves me the way I am and tells me so frequently--and for that matter, so does my Lord). :) Thank you, Jesus.
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